Reading Television programmes:
In a good school
Miss Luke. Good afternoon, girls.
Girls. Good afternoon, Miss Luke.
Miss Luke. This afternoon we’re going to learn how to cook soup.
Open your books at unit twenty-two.
Prue. Excuse me, Miss Luke.
Miss Luke. Yes, Prue?
Prue. There’s some chewing gum on your shoe.
Miss Luke. Who threw their chewing gum on the floor? Was it
you, Prue?
Prue. No, Miss Luke. It was June.
Miss Luke. Who?
Prue. June Cook.
June. It wasn’t me, stupid. It was Sue.
Sue. It was you!
June. It wasn’t me, you stupid fool. My mouth’s full of
chewing gum. Look, Miss Luke!
Sue. Stop pulling my hair, June. It was you!
June. YOU!
Sue. YOU!
Miss Luke. Excuse me! You’re being very rude. You two nuisances
can stay in school this afternoon instead of going to
the swimming pool.
The worst nurse
Sir Herbert. Nurse!
Colonel Burton. Nurse! I’m thirsty!
Sir Herbert. Nurse! My head hurts!
Colonel Burton. NURSE!
Sir Herbert. Curse these nurses!
Colonel Burton. Nurse Sherman always wears such dirty shirts.
Sir Herbert. And such short skirts.
Colonel Burton. She never arrives at work early.
Sir Herbert. She and …er… Nurse Turner weren’t at work on
Thursday, were they?
Colonel Burton. No, they weren’t.
Sir Herbert. Nurse Sherman is the worst nurse in the ward,
isn’t she?
Colonel Burton. No, she isn’t. She is the worst nurse in the world!
Barbara’ s dream
Barbara spent Saturday afternoon looking at a beautiful book about
South America.
«I want to go to South America», she said to herself.
The next morning, when Barbara woke up it was six o’clock and
her brothers and sisters were still asleep. Barbara looked at them, and
closed her eyes again.
Then she quietly got out of bed and started to pack her suitcase.
She took some comfortable clothes out of her cupboard. She
packed a pair of binoculars and her sister’s camera. She packed a
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photograph of herself and one of her mother and father.
«I mustn’t forget to have some breakfast», she said to herself. But
then she looked at the clock. It was a quarter to seven.
«I’ll just drink a glass of water», she said.
«A glass of water», she said.
«Water», she said, and open her eyes.
She was still in bed, and her brothers and sisters were laughing
at her.
«Tell us what you were dreaming about», they said to her.
But Barbara didn’t answer. She was thinking about her wonderful
journey to South America.
At the railway station
(Mr Grey is waiting at the railway station for a train.)
Mr Grey. Hey! This train’s late! I’ve been waiting here for ages.
Porter. Which train, sir?
Mr Grey. The 8.18 to Baker Street.
Porter. The 8.18? I’m afraid you’ve made a mistake, sir.
Mr Grey. A mistake? My timetable says: Baker Street train —8.18.
Porter. Oh, no, sir. The Baker Street train leaves at 8.08.
Mr Grey. At 8.08?
Porter. You see, sir, they changed the timetable at the end of April. It’s
the first of May today.
Mr Grey. Changed it? May I see the new timetable? What does it say?
Porter. It says: Baker Street train — 8.08.
Mr Grey. Hm! So the train isn’t late. I’m late.
Mike, Myra and Violet
(Myra and Violet are typists in the library.)
Myra.(smiling) Hello, Mike!
Mike. Hello, Myra. Hello, Violet! You’re looking nice, Violet. (silence)
Mike. Would you like some ice-cream, Violet?
Violet. No thanks, Mike. I’m busy typing. Talk to me some
other time. I have ninety-nine pages to type by Friday.
Mike. Never mind. Do you like riding, Violet?
Violet. Sometimes.
Mike. Would you like to come riding with me tonight,Violet?
Violet. Not tonight, Mike. I’m going for a drive with Nigel.
Mike. What about Friday?
Violet. I’m going climbing with Miles.
Mike. Hm! Oh, all right. Bye!
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Myra. Violet, he’s put something behind your typewriter.
Violet. Is it something nice, Myra?
Myra. No. It’s a spider.
Joyce’s Rolls Royce
(Joyce takes her Rolls Royce to the garage.)
Garage boy. What a terrible noise.
Joyce. Eh?
Garage boy. (raising his voice) What a terrible noise! This is the noisiest
Rolls Royce I’ve ever heard.
Joyce. (pointing) It’s out of oil.
Garage boy. Out of oil? And look! The water’s boiling, Madam, a Rolls
Royce isn’t a toy. Perhaps you’ve spoilt the motor or even
destroyed it.
Joyce. How annoying! While you’re changing the oil, I’ll go and visit
my boyfriend, Roy.
A mouse in the house
Mrs Brown. (shouting loudly) I’ve found a mouse!
Mr Brown. Ow! You’re shouting too loudly. Sit down and don’t shout.
Mrs Brown. (sitting down) I’ve found a mouse in the house.
Mr Brown. A brown mouse?
Mrs Brown. Yes. A little round mouse. It’s running around in the lounge.
Mr Brown. On the ground?
Mrs Brown. Yes. It’s under the couch now.
Mr Brown. Well, get it out.
Mrs Brown. How?
Mr Brown. Turn the couch upside-down. Get it out somehow. We don’t
want a mouse in our house. Ours is the cleanest house in the
town.
7.Snow in October
(Joe Jones is sleeping, but Joan woke up a few minutes ago.)
Joan. Joe! Joe! JOE! Hello!
Joe.(groans) Oh! What is it, Joan?
Joan. Look out of the window.
Joe. No. My eyes are closed, and I’m going to go to sleep again.
Joan. Don’t go to sleep, Joe. Look at the snow!
Joe. Snow? But it’s only October. I know there’s no snow.
Joan. Come over to the window, Joe.
Joe. You’re joking, Joan. There’s no snow.
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Joan. OK. I’ll put my coat on and go out and make a snowball and
throw it at your nose, Joe Jones!
A bearded mountaineer
(Mr and Mrs Lear are on holiday in Austria.)
Mr Lear. Let’s have a beer here, dear.
Mrs Lear. What a good idea! They have very good beer here. We came
here last year.
Mr Lear. The atmosphere here is very clear.
Mrs Lear. And it’s windier than last year.
Mr Lear.(speaking to the waiter) Two beers, please.
Mrs Lear. Look, dear! Look at that mountaineer drinking beer.
Mr Lear. His beard is in his beer.
Mrs Lear. His beard has nearly disappeared into his beer!
Mr Lear. Sh, dear! He might hear.
Waiter.(bringing the beer) Here you are, sir. Two beers.
Mr Lear.(drinking his beer) Cheers, dear!
Mrs Lear. Cheers! Here’s to the bearded mountaineer!
Happy birthday
Bob. Hello, Barbara.
Barbara. Hello, Bob. It’s my birthday today.
Bob. Oh, yes! Your birthday! Happy birthday, Barbara!
Barbara. Thanks, Bob. Somebody gave me this blouse for my birthday.
Bob. What a beautiful blouse! It’s got brown and blue butter flies on it.
Barbara. And big black buttons.
Bob. Did Ruby buy it for you?
Barbara. Yes. And my brother gave me a hairbrush and a book about baby
birds.
Bob. I didn’t remember your birthday, Barbara. I’m terribly sorry.
Barbara. Well, you can buy me a big bottle of perfume, Bob!
Bob. I’ve got a better idea. We’ll get into a cab and go to a pub, and
I’ll buy you a bottle of beer!
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Passports, please
(Mr and Mrs Tupman are at the airport. They have just got off the plane from Paris.)
Official. Passports, please!
Mr Tupman. I think I’ve lost the passports, Poppy.
Mrs Tupman. How stupid of you, Peter! Didn’t you put them in
your pocket?
Mr Tupman.(emptying his pockets) Here’s a pen... a pencil...… my pipe...
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a postcard... an envelope... a stamp... a pin...
Mrs Tupman. Oh, stop taking things out of your pockets. Perhaps you put
them in the plastic bag.
Mr Tupman.(emptying the plastic bag) Here’s a newspaper... an
apple... a pear...… a plastic cup...… a spoon... some paper
plates...… a piece of pork pie... a pepper pot...
Mrs Tupman. Oh, stop pulling things out of the plastic bag, Peter.
These people are getting impatient.
Mr Tupman. Well, help me, Poppy.
Mrs Tupman. We’ve lost our passports. Perhaps we dropped them on
the plane.
Official. Then let the other passengers past, please.
Mr Tupman. Poppy, why don’t you help? You aren’t being very helpful.
Put the things in the plastic bag.
Official. Your name, please?
Mr Tupman. Tupman.
Official. Please go upstairs with this policeman, Mr Tupman.
A pair of hairbrushes
Mary. I’ve lost two small hairbrushes, Claire. They’re a pair.
Claire. Have you looked carefully everywhere?
Mary. Yes. They’re nowhere here.
Claire. Have you looked upstairs?
Mary. Yes. I’ve looked everywhere upstairs and downstairs. They
aren’t anywhere.
Claire. Hm! Are they square, Mary?
Mary. Yes. They’re square hairbrushes. Have you seen them
anywhere?
Claire. Well, you’re wearing one of them in your hair!
Mary. Oh! Then where’s the other one?
Claire. It’s over there under the chair
In a department store
Pretty girl. I want to buy a hat.
Assistant. Hats are upstairs on the next floor.
Fat man. Where can I get a hot meal?
Assistant. The restaurant is on the thirteenth floor.
Little girl. I want to buy some bootlaces.
Assistant. They’re on the next counter on your left, dear.
Tall lady. I want some tins of tomato paste.
Assistant. Try the supermarket in the basement.
Gentleman. Could you tell me where the travel agency is?
Assistant. It’s right next to the cafeteria on the thirteenth floor.
Student. I want to buy a football.
Assistant. Take the lift to the sports department. It’s on the top
floor.
Little boy. Could you tell me where the telephone is?
Assistant. It’s on the twelfth floor opposite the photographer’s.
Twins. Could you tell us the time, please?
Assistant. Yes. It’s exactly twenty-two minutes to ten.
A damaged telephone
Daisy. Dunston 238282.
Donald. Hello, Daisy. This is Donald.
Daisy. Oh, hello, darling.
Donald. What did you do yesterday, Daisy? You forgot our date, didn’t
you?
Daisy. Well, it rained all day, Donald, and I have a bad cold, so I decided
to stay at home.
Donald. Did you? I telephoned twenty times and nobody answered.
Daisy. Oh, the telephone was damaged. They repaired it today.
Donald. What did David do yesterday? Did he and Dotty go dancing?
Daisy. No. They stayed at home and played cards with the children.
Donald. And what did you do? Did you play cards too?
Daisy. No. Sidney and I listened to the radio and studied. What did you
do yesterday, Donald?
Donald. I’ve told you, Daisy. I tried to phone you twenty times!
The cuckoo clock
Mrs Cook. Would you like some cream in your coffee, Mrs Clark?
Mrs Clark. No thank you. But I’d like a little milk.
Mrs Cook. Would you like some chocolate cakes?
Mrs Clark. Thank you.
Mrs Cook. Take two. Here’s a cake fork, and here’s a …
Mrs Clark. Excuse me, Mrs Cook. But what’s that next to your
bookshelf? Is it a clock?
Mrs Cook. Yes. It’s an American cuckoo clock.
Mrs Clark. Is it plastic?
Mrs Cook. Oh, no, Mrs Clark. It’s a very expensive clock. It’s an
electric clock.
Mrs Clark. Well, it’s exactly six o’clock now, and it’s very quiet.
Doesn’t it say «cuckoo»?
Mrs Cook. Of course, Mrs Clark. Look!
Clock. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Mrs Clark. How exciting! What a clever clock!
Clock. Cuckoo!
Guests in August
Craig. I’ve just got a telegram from Margaret and Greg.
Carol. Are they coming to England again?
Craig. Yes. At the beginning of August.
Carol. Good. We can all get together again.
Craig. I’m glad they’re coming in August. We can take the dog
and go for walks together.
Carol. Yes. And we can give a garden party.
Craig. And Margaret can play her guitar in the garden and
sing Greek songs again.
Carol. Yes. August is a good time to come to England.
16.It’s expensive
Sam. Let’s go to the seaside on Saturday.
Alice. Yes! Let’s go sailing and water-skiing. That’s exciting.
Sam. It’s expensive too. Let’s just sit in the sun and go swimming instead
Alice. Let’s stay in the Six Star Hotel and spend Sunday there too.
Sam. Be sensible, Alice. It’s too expensive. Let’s sleep outside instead.
Alice. Yes. Let’s sleep on the sand. That’s more exciting.
Surprises in the post office
Mrs Smith. This parcel smells, Mrs Jones.
Mrs Jones. Something’s written on it.
Mrs Smith. What does it say?
Mrs Jones. It says. This parcel contains six mice.
Mrs Smith. Pooh!
Mrs Jones. Listen! What’s in this sack?
Mrs Smith. It’s making a strange hissing noise.
Sack.(hisses) Ssssssssssssssss!
Mrs Jones. Mrs Smith! It’s a sack of snakes!
Mrs Smith. So it is! And what’s in this box, Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones. It’s making a buzzing sound.
Box.(buzzes) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Mrs Smith. These are bees!
Mrs Jones. A parcel of mice! And a sack of snakes! And a box of bees!
This is very surprising.
Mrs Smith. It’s amazing. This isn’t a post office, Mrs Jones. It’s a zoo!
A special washing machine
Mrs Marsh. Does this shop sell washing machines?
Mr Shaw. Yes. This is the newest washing machine, madam.
Mrs Marsh. Is it Swedish?
Mr Shaw. No, madam. It’s English.
Mrs Marsh. Please show me how it washes.
Mr Shaw. Shall I give you a demonstration? Here are some sheets
and shirts. You put them in the machine. You shut the
door. And you push this button.
Mrs Marsh. The machine shouldn’t shake like that, should it?
Mr Shaw. Washing machines always shake, madam. Ah! It’s
finished now.
Mrs Marsh. But the sheets have shrunk, and so have the shirts.
Mr Shaw. Do you wish to buy this machine, madam?
Mrs Marsh. I’m not sure.
Reading Television programmes:
Channel O
7.00 — Children’s film: «Treasure Island»
7.15 — News comment: An Unusual Collision
7.30 — Fashion: Casual Clothes
7.45 — Travel film: Across Asia in a Peugeot
8.15 — Do-it-yourself: How to Measure a New Garage
8.30 — Variety show: It’s a Pleasure
At the butcher’s shop
Butcher. Good morning, Mrs Church.
Mrs Church. Good morning, Mr Cheshire. I’d like some chops for
the children’s lunch.
Butcher. Chump chops or shoulder chops, Mrs Church?
Mrs Church. I’ll have four shoulder chops, and I want a small chicken.
Butcher. Would you like to choose a chicken, Mrs Church?
Mrs Church. Which one is cheaper?
Butcher. This one’s the cheapest. It’s a delicious chicken.
Mrs Church. How much is all that? I haven’t got cash. Can I pay by
cheque?
Butcher. Of course, Mrs Church.
George Churchill
Jerry. Just outside this village there’s a very dangerous bridge.
John. Yes. Charles told me two jeeps crashed on it in January. What
happened?
Jerry. Well George Churchill was the driver of the larger jeep, and he
was driving very dangerously. He’s been drinking gin.
John. George Churchill? Do I know George Churchill?
Jerry. Yes. The ginger-haired chap. He’s the manager of the travel
agency in Chester.
John. Oh, yes. I remember George. He’s always telling jokes. Well,
was anybody injured?
Jerry. Oh, yes. The other jeep went over the edge of the bridge, and
two children and another passenger were badly injured.
John. Were both the jeeps damaged?
Jerry. Oh, yes.
John. And what happened to George?
Jerry. George? He’s telling jokes in jail now, I suppose!
22.At the photographer’s
Phillip. I want a photograph of myself and my wife.
Photographer. Please fill in this form, sir. Would you prefer a full
front photograph or a profile?
Phillip. A full front, don’t you think, Philli ppa?
Phillippa. Yes. A full front photograph.
Photographer. Please sit on this sofa. Is it comfortable, Mrs Puffin?
Phillippa. Yes. It feels fine.
Photographer. Mr Puffin, please give a friendly laugh.
Phillip. That’s difficult. If you say something funny I can laugh.
Photographer. And, Mrs Puffin, please look soft and beautiful.
Phillip.(laughs)
Phillippa. Is it finished?
Photographer. Yes.
Phillip. Will the photograph be ready for the first of February?
Photographer. Yes. Please phone my office after five days, Mr Puffin.
A fine view
Vera. Has your family lived here for very long?
Victor. Five and a half years. We arrived on the first of February.
Vera. What a fine view you have!
Victor. Yes. I love living here.
Vera. Look! You can see the village down in the valley.
Victor. Yes. It’s a lovely view.
A walk in the woods
Gwen. Did you see Victor on Wednesday, Wendy?
Wendy. Yes. We went for a walk in the woods near the railway.
Gwen. Wasn’t it cold on Wednesday?
Wendy. Yes. It was very cold and wet. We wore warm clothes
and walked quickly to keep warm.
Gwen. It’s lovely and quiet in the woods.
Wendy. Yes. Further away from the railway it was very quiet,
and there were wild squirrels everywhere. We counted
twenty squirrels.
Gwen. How wonderful! Twenty squirrels! And did you take
lunch with you?
Wendy. Yes. About twelve we had veal sandwiches and sweet
white wine, and we watched the squirrels. It was a very
nice walk.
A stupid student
Jim. Excuse me. Did you use to live in York?
Jack. Yes.
Jim. Did you use to be a tutor at the University?
Jack. Yes. For a few years.
Jim. Do you remember Hugh Young? He was a music student.
Jack. Hugh Young? Did he use to have a huge yellow jeep?
Jim. Yes. And he used to play beautiful tunes on the tuba.
Jack. Yes, I knew Hugh. He used to be a very stupid student.
Do you have any news of Hugh?
Jim. Yes. He’s a millionaire now in New York.
Jack. A millionaire? Playing the tuba?
Jim. Oh, no. He produces jam in tubes, and tins of sausages
and onion stew, and sells them in Europe. I read about
Hugh in the newspaper yesterday.
Jack. Oh! Well, he wasn’t so stupid.
26.A horrible accident
Helen. Hello, Ellen.
Ellen. Hello, Helen. Have you heard? There’s been a horrible
accident.
Helen. Oh, dear! What’s happened?
Ellen. Hilda Higgins’ husband has had an accident on his
horse.
Helen. How awful! Is he injured?
Ellen. Yes. An ambulance has taken him to hospital.
Helen. How did it happen?
Ellen. He was hit by an express train. It was on the crossing
just behind his house.
Helen. How horrible!
Ellen. He’s having an important operation in hospital now.
Poor Hilda! She’s so unhappy.
Helen. Perhaps he’ll be all right.
Ellen. I hope so.
Gossips
Judith. Edith Smith is only thirty.
Ethel. Is she? I thought she was thirty-three.
Judith. Edith’s birthday was last Thursday.
Ethel. Was it? I thought it was last month.
Judith. The Smiths’ house is worth thirty thousand pounds.
Ethel. Is it? I thought it was worth three thousand.
Judith. Mr Smith is the author of a book about moths.
Ethel. Is he? I thought he was a mathematician.
Judith. I’m so thirsty.
Ethel. Are you? I thought you drank something at the Smiths’.
Judith. No. Edith gave me nothing to drink.
Ethel. Shall I buy you a drink?
Judith. Thank you.
The hat in the window
Miss Brothers. I want to buy the hat in the window.
Assistant. There are three hats together in the window, madam. Do
you want the one with the feathers?
Miss Brothers. No. The other one.
Assistant. The small one for three pounds?
Miss Brothers. No.Not that one either.That one over there.The leather one.
Assistant. Ah! The leather one. Now this is another leather hat,
madam. It’s better than the one in the window.
It’s a smoother leather.
Miss Brothers. I’d rather have the one in the window. It goes with my
clothes.
Assistant. Certainly, madam. But we don’t take anything out of the
window until three o’clock on Thursday.
Mum’s crumpets
Jim. Mum, may Tom Mitcham come home with me for tea
tomorrow?
Mrs Smith. Of course, Jim. Have I met Tom before?
Jim. You met him in the summer. He’s very small and smart.
Mrs Smith. Oh, yes. I remember Tom. Does his family come from
Cambridge?
Jim. Yes. Oh, Mum! Will you make some home-made crumpets
tomorrow?
Mrs Smith. Mm … maybe. If I have time.
Jim. I told Tom about your crumpets, Mum. That’s why he’s coming
for tea tomorrow!
Early for lunch
Mr Allen. Hello, Lily. You’re looking lovely today.
Waitress. Hello, Mr Allen. You’re early for lunch. It’s only eleven o’clock.
Mr Allen. When I come later there’s usually nothing left.
Waitress. What would you like?
Mr Allen. Leg of lamb, please.
Waitress. And would you like a plate of salad? It’s lettuce with black olives.
Mr Allen. Marvellous! I love olives.
Waitress. And would you like a glass of lemonade?
Mr Allen. Yes please, Lily. And a slice of melon and some yellow jelly.
At an accommodation agency
Mr Mason. Good morning. I want an apartment in central London.
Manager. Certainly, sir. How much rent did you want to pay?
Mr Mason. No more than $ 27 a month.
Manager. $ 27 a month? We don’t often have apartments as inexpensive
as that. We have one apartment for $29 a month in Northend
Avenue. It’s down near the station.
Mr Mason. Is it furnished?
Manager. No. It’s unfurnished. The kitchen has no oven. It’s forbidden
to use the garden. No friends in the apartment after eleven in
the evening. No noise and no television after 11.15. No …
Mr Mason. No thank you! I want an apartment, not a prison!
Noisy neighbours
Mr Pring.(angrily). Bang! Bang! Bang! What are the Kings doing at seven
o’clock on Sunday morning?
Mrs Pring. Well, Mr King is singing.
Mr Pring. Yes, but what’s the banging noise?
Mrs Pring.(looking out of the window) He’s standing on a ladder and a
hammer.Now he’s hanging some strong string on the nails.
Mr Pring. And what’s Mrs King doing?
Mrs Pring. She’s bringing something pink for Mr King to drink. Now she’s
putting it under the ladder, and … Ohh!
Mr Pring. What’s happening?
Mrs Pring. The ladder’s falling.
Mr Pring. What’s Mr King doing?
Mrs Pring. He’s hanging from the string. He’s holding the string in his
fingers and he’s shouting to Mrs King.
Mr Pring. And is she helping him?
Mrs Pring. No. She’s running to our house. Now she’s ringing our bell.
Mr Pring. I’m not going to answer it. I’m sleeping.
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