Men and women in the family: the key to family happiness.
Chastity, perfect modesty in word, deed, and even thought is so essential that without it no female is fit to be a wife. It is not enough that a young woman should abstain from anything approaching boldness in her behaviour towards men; it is not enough that she casts down her eyes, or turns aside her head with a smile, when she hears an indelicate allusion: she ought to appear not to understand it, and to receive from it no more impression than if she were a post. A loose woman is a .disagreeable acquaintance: what must she be then, as a wife? Your free and hearty girls I have liked very much to talk and laugh with; but never, for one moment, did it enter my mind that I could have endured a free and hearty girl for a wife. A wife, I repeat, is to last for life, she is to be a counterbalance to troubles and misfortune, and therefore must be perfect.
Sobriety. By the word sobriety in a young woman I mean a great deal more than a rigid abstinence from the love of drink; I mean sobriety of conduct. The word ‘sober’ does not confine itself to matters of drink: it expresses steadiness, seriousness, carefulness, scrupulous propriety of conduct. Now sobriety is a great qualification in the person you mean to make your wife. Playful, frivolous, careless girls are very amusing, and they may become sober, but you have not certainty of this. To be sure, when girls are mere children they should play and romp like children, but when they arrive at that age when they begin to think of managing a house, then it is time for them to cast away the levity of the child.
If any young man imagines that this sobriety of conduct in young women must be accompanied by seriousness approaching gloom, he is, according to my experience, very much deceived. The contrary is the fact; for I have found that gay and laughing women are the most insipid of souls and are generally down in the dumps. A greater curse than a wife of this description would be somewhat difficult to find. I hate a dull, melancholy thing; I could not have existed in the same house with such a thing for a single month. Whereas a sober woman is underneath joyful and contented.
Industry. By industry, I do not mean merely labour or activity of the body, for purposes of gain or of saving; for there may be industry amongst those who have more money than they know what to do with. Industry in the wife is always necessary to the happiness and prosperity of the family. If she is lazy then the children will be lazy; everything, however urgent, will be put off to the last moment, then it will be done badly, and in many cases, not at all: the dinner will be late, the journey or visit will be delayed; inconveniences of all sorts will be continually arising, there will always be a heavy arrear of things unperformed; and therefore a lazy woman must always be a curse.
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Finally beauty ... the last in point of importance. But the great use of female beauty, the great practical advantage of it, is that it naturally and unavoidably tends to keep the husband in a good humour with himself, to make him pleased with his bargain. Beauty is, in some degree, a matter of taste, what one man admires, another does not; and it is fortunate for us that it is so. But still there are certain things that all men admire; and a husband is always pleased when he perceives that a portion, at least, of these things are in his own possession. He takes his possession as a compliment to himself: there must have been, he thinks, some charm, seen or unseen, to have caused him to be blessed with such an acquisition.
But another problem is that many of women are afraid of asserting their needs, desires and feelings for fear of sparking a row, bruising their partner’s ego or losing him.
So they keep quiet and suffer his annoying, overbearing habits – the way he interrupts them before their patntners finished speaking, assumes if you're going out together he'll be driving…
Yet sticking up for yourself needn't mean upsetting him to such an extent that his affection for you wanes. Quite the opposite – a more balanced relationship should bring you closer.
Deciding what to say and finding the right words can be difficult. But the following Five R's formula will show how to take more initiative without damaging the relationship.
Reflect
Before you do anything, think about what you want to say, particularly if you want to criticise him. It's tempting to believe the best way to change behavior is through coercion – grabbing the car keys, refusing to wash his socks, shouting at the top of your voice if he tries to interrupt you. Yet any approach based on force is likely to fail as he'll resent your sudden forcefulness. The purpose isn't to show him he isn't perfect, but to educate him and get your relationship on to an equal footing. Keep this motive at the back of your mind and it'll prevent you from making hasty comments you might regret later.
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Report
Once you have sorted out your motives it's time for reporting – that is, telling him exactly what is bothering you. Be specific and avoid generalisations like "You always..."
Instead, describe actual events, such as: "You remember last night when your friend asked me a question? You answered on my behalf. . . and that made me feel small and insignificant."
This is important because if you charge in with very general criticism, he is going to feel attacked, very defensive and, yes, you may well find yourself rowing.
Relate
Now, tell him how his behaviour affects you by saying "I feel..." and then naming whatever feelings you experience. Don't focus on your bad feelings, just concentrate on the effects of his actions. For example, saying "I think your behaviour and my reaction to it is worsening our relationship," is better than "I think you're really selfish, dogmatic and bombastic and it makes me angry".
Request
Ask for things you would like to be changed. Remember you have the right to ask for whatever you want from someone, and they have exactly the same right to say "yes" or "no".
Don't fall into the "mind-reading" trap believing, if he really loves you, he'll know instinctively what you want without asking.
If you ask directly, he may give you what you want and, if he refuses, at least you know where you stand.
Avoid demanding. People often resist demands, not because the demand is unreasonable, but because no one likes to be pushed around. "I'd prefer it if you let me finish” is better than "Shut up and stop interrupting me".
Result
Spell out the positive consequences you foresee if he changes his behaviour, otherwise he may think you're just being bossy.
Avoid saying: "Don't ever take the car again without asking me if I need it". Instead, say: "Mum was really looking forward to seeing me today, but I couldn't visit her because you had the car. Can you let me know when you're planning to use it?"
To show you're not simply trying to manipulate him, always round off with something like: "I'm glad we've cleared the air. It's made me feel much happier".
So next time you want to take the initiative, follow the Five R's. They'll help you communicate and stop you being bossed around.
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